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Andy and Lana Wachowski are a dynamic, daunting duo; brother/sister filmmakers whose imaginative “Matrix” series and the 2012 “Cloud Atlas” stunned audiences with unexpected wizardry, galvanizing visual effects, magical emotional jaunts through untrammeled worlds. Alas, “Jupiter Ascending” is a mélange of mediocrity; cinematography is glorious but mixed with a ludicrous, ponderous scenario, dimensionless characterization, resulting in a pretty, but financially -misguided mess.

“Jupiter Jones”, named by her Russian father, after the largest, most spectacular ringed planet, is “Queen of the Earth” like Cinderella, unaware of her regal status, is a cleaning lady in Chicago; first preposterous premise; Mila Kunis cleaning toilets? Why not behind a counter at Macy’s or a receptionist at Morgan Stanley?  Unfortunately, valiant efforts do not a “Queen” make. 

The crux of the film lies in an alternate galaxy; focusing on the royal rivalry of three heinous, temperamentally shriveled, siblings: “Balem” the only one with an IQ over 60, wants Jupiter, dead; Eddie Redmanye’s depiction is laughable; his whispering voice, emaciated frame, should have been blessed with a digital death, before the film commenced. The other two transparent idiots, dismissible.

Channing Tatum, “Caine” half-man/half-other, with shoes “Dorothy” would kill for, is so uncomfortable with his pointy ears, hilarious, restrictive wardrobe, he garnishes a mite of sympathy from the viewer, as Jupiter’s aerial protector.

Pointless, disappointing “Jupiter Ascending”  unfortunately, never got off the ground.

ONE & 1/2 STARS!!



  1. Ha, ha, ha – as a reviewer I guess you just had to pony up for the 3D ticket and everything. Fortunately as a mere mortal; I don’t.

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